Sagging Shoulders

"If your shoulders are saggin,
it won’t be long before the shoulders of
everyone on your team will be sagging."
Bill Hybels

Sometimes we underestimate the power we have to influence other people. A negative comment here, an unreturned "hello" there ... what difference does it make? It is just a small little thing from little old me.


The truth is that we have tremendous power to influence other people, to make (or break) someone else's day with a small gesture. The person we affect may be a family member, a friend, a co-worker ... or a stranger.


Yesterday morning in a speech to the troops in Korea, President Obama said that most of us will never know the impact we have had on other's lives. This is certainly true for our military; but it is also true for us.


So, let's take a small step in our leadership journey by keeping our shoulders squared, a smile on our face, and a twinkle in our eye. Who knows, this little effort may even make ourselves feel a little better while we do some good for someone else?!


[BTW, the quote at the top is from Bill Hybels' new book, "Holy Discontent". He talks about what has inspired ordinary people to do great things and calls them "Popeye Moments" -- those moments when something happening outside ourself hits us so hard that we realize, as Popeye did, that "That's all I can stand, and I can't stands no more!" More on this topic in a future blog.]


Questions to ponder: Who in our day has made us feel good or feel uncomfortable? Was it something subtle that caused our emotional boost or drain? How do we do the same thing to others without even thinking about it?

Authenticity in Leadership

Last week, a single friend who is using online dating services to find new friends told me that she changed her profile picture to one in which she was not wearing glasses and that she was now getting much more interest.

Then, on Tuesday during our Thriving Between Jobs gathering, our group talked about job hunting “strategies” that are being promoted by speakers and coaches at various events they are attending. These “strategies” include concealing aspects of the job seeker’s personal attributes that will be unattractive to a hiring manager for as long as possible -- attributes such as having young children at home or being over 40 years old.

These stories made me sad. Sure, the strategies above work. My dating friend has even met a man who did the same thing – and now they both happily wear their glasses with each other. But I wonder what a price we are all paying by expecting people to deny who they really are in order to be successful.

People who have young children at home are raising our future – the next generation. Their families give meaning and texture to the work that we do. Stories from their families enrich the workplace. And connections made from their children’s friends’ parents add to the network of people who make our employees and companies successful.

People who are over 40 years of age have rich life experience that broaden their perspectives and give them wisdom that benefits the workplace. Skills and talents have been developed and perfected over time. They have seen challenges and even crises in the past that enable them to exhibit composure and stable thinking in the midst of difficulty. They are the leaders, the teachers, and the mentors in the workplace.

People who wear glasses or leg braces or diabetic monitors or any other device that enable them to function more comfortably are no less worthy or attractive. Deciding someone is not a good match for these reasons cheats both people from the opportunity to make what could be a solid and beautiful relationship. And hiding these attributes forces people to begin a relationship in a disingenuous manner.

Which all makes me think about the courage it takes to be true to who we are, to simply be ourselves, to be authentic. It seems worth it to me -- we will be much more accepting of others if we first accept ourselves as we are. And, we can be more creative and innovative when we are no longer guarding what others know of us.

An authentic person is a leader who brings all of her/himself to every situation she confronts. She has access to all of her experience, both positive and negative, to equip her/him to deal with daily situations. S/he welcomes the diversity of the people around her/him and leverages that diversity to create new realities.

Questions to ponder: What traits do I have that I hide from others? How might I be freer if I accepted these traits and became more authentic? Are there traits in others that I judge harshly? How can I begin to see others for who they are, independent of superficial traits?

Forgiveness: a Leadership Trait

For too many years to count, I have been struggling with a wrong that was done me long, long ago. Every day, I try to find peace and forgive my offenders. For long stretches, I will think that I have at last forgiven them and then poof! Out of nowhere, that old hurt and pain will return and I realize that I haven’t really forgiven them. Oh, I do believe I’ve made progress over the years: I’m sure there was a time when I was angry, bitter, and resentful. But that, too, was long ago. Now, all I feel is the hurt and sorrow.

So, when a talk I attended last week began to center on the concept of forgiveness, my ears perked up. The speaker gave a long and eloquent definition of forgiveness. And what resonated with me was the concept that forgiveness is a process, not an event. In fact, the speaker laughed with us as he admitted that he was certain he had forgiven someone or something only to feel a pang of bitterness or resentment flare up at a most unexpected time. At those moments, he would think, “I thought I had already dealt with that; I guess I haven’t and I need to deal with it, again.”

The bottom line, though – despite these occasional pangs – was that he was in the process of forgiveness, which may last the rest of his life. The act of wanting to forgive, then trying to forgive, is all that it takes to launch this important process.

This was so liberating to me. To think that I was actually forgiving them! This discovery was so profound that I didn’t feel the hurt and pain anymore. For the first time in a terribly long time, I actually felt close to my offenders … I felt feelings of love for them.

I was so excited that I had to share my experience with a close friend, whose response was, “That’s all well and good, but what do you do when your offender hasn’t apologized?” This took me back for a second. My offenders had died before I even knew I needed to forgive them. They could not apologize.

And then it hit me. We have to be leaders in the forgiveness game just like everything else. If everyone waited for someone else to start the process, we might never reach forgiveness!

Each day, in every aspect of our lives, people hurt us, anger us, insult us, antagonize us, enrage us. Sometimes they do it intentionally. More often, they do it out of carelessness, thoughtlessness, or, sometimes, incompetence. It is natural and understanding to react with a measure of emotion – a sharp word, a retaliatory act, an argument, even a fight.

I wonder, though, how much more effective we would be as individuals … how we could “change the face of “ our daily interactions and our personal world, if we started the process of forgiveness before an offense actually occurred, forgiving them as the offense occurred and responding from a place of love and understanding, rather than hurt and anger.

This would be true leadership.

Questions to ponder: For which offenses have we begun the process of forgiveness without realizing it? For which offenses do we need to start the process of forgiveness? And for which of our own offenses do we suspect others have begun the process of forgiveness and might need our apology?

Crisis in Action

Rosemarie's Everyday Heroes post reminded me of the value of crisis in not only leadership, but also in teamwork. When crisis occurs, we are often brought above and beyond the call of duty. We see this behavior in police officers, firefighters, and emergency personnel in hospitals or ambulances. Adrenaline kicks in and our behaviors shift to support the situation at hand.

My mother recently suffered a respiratory attack while visiting my sisters in Georgia to celebrate Easter. "Respiratory failure" is the medical term, but in the eyes of my sisters and my dad, she stopped breathing. This was terribly frightening and it called my sister into action to use her nursing skills and perform CPR to bring her back to life essentially. The family-team there in Georgia worked together doing whatever was necessary to save my mom's life. A crisis at hand indeed.

In Patrick Lencioni's book, Silos, Politics, and Turf Wars, he uses the crisis situation as an opportunity to support teamwork and leadership. While no organization wants to have crises all the time (except for those in trauma wards where they have little choice perhaps), there is the indirect benefit of teamwork. Patrick calls this the "Rallying Cry" that brings a leadership team together to focus on a critical issue or goal and bring it to conclusion.

You could say the rallying cry for Cate's heroes Kim, Doug, and Bob was "Help the Hiker". Without being deliberate in stating that cry, these heroes jumped into teamwork and action to manage the situation at hand. In fact, I think that Kim, Doug, and Bob are probably an informal team of hikers. You can imagine that their planning for a hike might even be a rallying cry. They may be thinking things like "Take the Hill" (we've heard that before in civil war history), or "Climb the Highest Peak" to drive their efforts and bring their thinking and actions together.

With the context of crisis and teamwork at hand, it is helpful to review Lencioni's models and see what a rallying cry (or Thematic Goal to be more organizationally proper) might be for your team/company/business. In my work as a consultant, the unintended outcome of silos between functions, politics in an organization, and resulting turf wars seems to be quite prevalent in the work place. The roles and responsibilities of an organization typically drive this behavior. However, the crisis mentality can support a changing of the face in an organization and how teams work together toward a common goal. It looks at how roles and responsibilities support one another versus differentiate or separate one another.

I highly recommend Silos, Politics, and Turf Wars if you would like to drive proactive crisis into your organization. Click here for the Amazon link. The rallying cry model drives teamwork, leadership, and results.

By the way, my mom is back home in Florida and doing great. Apparently, the Atlanta area had the worst pollen they had seen in 10 - 15 years! Not a good time for anyone with respiratory issues.

Questions to Ponder: When have you been called into crisis unintentionally, and how was the teamwork? Did one particular person emerge the leader, or was everyone a leader? How did this crisis affect how the group of individuals acted after the crisis was cleared?

Iron Sharpens Iron

At a meeting earlier this week, a friend and colleague encouraged all of us present to participate more fully and more frequently to make ourselves better at our crafts. He didn’t cite the bible, but he quoted from Proverbs 27:17 “Iron sharpens iron”, he said, implying the rest of the passage, which reads “… and a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.”
He really made me think. This is powerful wisdom for the leader within us. We must stay sharp, on top of our game, strong and tenacious. And we cannot do this alone. We need the company of like-minded people to keep us on the path toward our goals.

As we spend time with each other, we share our hopes, our dreams and our fears. Together, we find ways to make our dreams come true, to overcome our fears and to fulfill our hopes. Together, we improve our skills and develop new ones. We learn from each other, lift each other up and become better people because of each other.

When I researched this passage, I learned that there are many organizations that use “Iron Sharpens Iron” as an axiom for their organization – joining together in a bond to strengthen their skills, practices and beliefs. Many of these organizations are secular law enforcement associations. Some are musical associations. All use the adage to remind themselves of why they exist together – to make each other, and themselves, better.
Some make the point that simply rubbing iron against itself will not sharpen either piece. Instead, the two pieces must meet at the right angle and then move carefully in order to sharpen and not to chip, dent or break the other. They use this metaphor to warn against argument and judgment, to seek understanding and common ground as a first step toward “sharpening” each other.

There is much to learn and consider from this “iron” wisdom. The first step, though, is to get out there and mingle with others who can sharpen and us and who, in the process, we can help sharpen.

Questions to ponder: With whom are we spending time in ways that sharpen us and we sharpen them? Where else could we be spending time to be with people who sharpen our skills, our values, our beliefs and our common goals?

Fight Like a Woman!

My friend, Domini, is literally recovering from brain surgery -- she had an aneurysm that would have killed her if it wasn't removed immediately. My uncle had the same surgery over ten years ago -- by the same, brilliant neuro-surgeon! This “coincidence” has bonded us through her journey and I have learned many things from her.

We visited at her home last week. She amazed me by greeting me at the door, herself. She is much thinner than the last time I saw her. Other than that, she looked wonderful. She guided me to her back porch where she had water, tea and cookies all ready for us. I can only imagine the amount of how tiring it must have been for her to prepare for my visit.

The gift I brought her was clever and unusual. As soon as I saw it, I knew it was the right gift for her. Little did I know how appropriate this gift was. It was a miniature pair of pink leather boxing gloves embossed with the words, “Fight Like a Woman”. When Domini opened her gift, she exclaimed with all the expected oohs and aahs. But the conversation that followed was the real gift.


By then, Domini’s sister, Kim (who is also my friend), had joined us. She commented how apt those words were for Domini’s situation. She said that the grace and courage with which Domini and her husband, John, had handled the entire crisis had set the tone for everyone involved – their children, their family, their friends … and even their medical staff. Their light-hearted approach, caring for others, positive attitude, strength and faith kept everyone else strong and positively focused.


I had not considered before how much power a patient has … the choice to be a leader even in what some might consider the least powerful position a person can be in. A patient is a leader when s/he takes responsibility for a situation rather than becoming a victim to it.


We went on to talk about what it means to “fight like a woman”. Domini’s strength certainly came from her faith in God; but, she was also committed to conquering her challenge because her husband, children, family and friends needed her. She was fighting like a woman – not out of competition or anger but out of love.


A parent is a leader whose actions are motivated by love, guidance and protection.


Questions to ponder: When have we fought “like a woman” (even if we are male)? In what areas of our life do we feel like a victim? How can we change the situation and become a leader within it, rather than a victim to it? How might “fighting like a woman” change the situation?

The Depression that Made Us Great -- Part 1 in the Wisdom from Commercials series

When I was growing up, the “Great Depression” was something that my parents and their friends frequently discussed. We learned about the Great Depression in school.

Now, as we are experiencing a huge economic downturn, many are making comparisons to the Great Depression, wondering whether our experience is as bad as – or worse than – the Great Depression. Some are even cautious about using the word “depression”, for fear we will plummet even further.

Then, I heard a commercial. I cannot tell you what the commercial was trying to sell me. But I do remember very clearly one comment they made: this could be another “Great Depression” OR this could be “The Depression that Made Us Great”!

Now, why didn’t I think of that? That motto describes perfectly what Janet and I are trying to do through this blog and the coaching work that we are doing!

This economic downturn has the potential to be a huge depression, a terrible legacy to leave our children. Or, it can be the wake-up call that causes us to look very candidly at how we got here – and, more importantly, what we need to do to turn things around … and never return!

I, for one, want to make this the “Depression that made us Great”. And to do this, each of us must become a leader in our own worlds. We must take responsibility for doing the right things and for doing them right. We must focus on more than money and things and profit and consumerism. We must look deep inside ourselves and find the true gifts that God gave us – and then use them to make the world a better place.

When I look back thirty years from now and tell my grandchildren about this era in our history, I can hardly wait to tell them about this “Depression that made us Great”!

Question to Ponder: What can you do, right now – today – to start making this the depression that made us great?

Taking Action - Part III in the "Goals and Dreams" Series

We last wrote about communicating our intentions to the right group of stakeholders to garner support for our dreams and visions. By deliberately reaching out and engaging those supporters of yours, you build a network of accountability that supports your intentions. While it's wonderful to have that external support, how do you hold yourself accountable? Action Planning and accountability will be the focus for this portion of the series.

When my husband and I started our business in 2002 where I could do my consulting, we were excited to build something that had flexibility, a degree of freedom, and a way to give back what I had learned over my years in corporate. We set out to establish our LLC, and begin networking and telling the key stakeholders about what I was doing to fulfill on this intention.

Marketing mode was great because it required very little accountability on my part - at least for the part of networking. I found it quite easy and enjoyed meeting up and having lunch with colleagues to discuss our lives and business in general. However, as the work began to come in, I had to find a way to manage my time and hold myself accountable to the business development, marketing, and delivery portions of the business. It was exciting and overwhelming.

I hired a Personal Coach who helped me build an accountability model for myself of weekly action plans and checklists. For about a year my coach was the one I was accountable to while I built up my own internal accountability mechanism. We developed a planning tool that highlighted my annual goals, monthly goals, weekly goals, and then the daily activities that I needed to do to manage all of this. I grew this tool to include my personal mission statement (thank you Steven Covey) as well as my personal goals as these are part of all of my activities and affect my actions. I still use this one sheet of paper to outline my actions every Sunday. I cross the items off the list as I complete them, and feel happy to be completing the most important as well as the urgent items.

This tool worked well for me and was fairly easy to develop - once I knew my goals, dreams, intentions and had communicated those. There are plenty of tools you can use to hold yourself accountable - iPhone, Microsoft Outlook with Tasks and Calendar options, or a Planner or Organizer. Whatever tool you choose, the most important part is to be sure that it is designed to hold you accountable to your true intentions - those you commit to fulfilling. If you fail to add these intentions, the tool won't be useful and you lose the method of holding yourself accountable.

If you want support in building action plans or an accountability tool, just reply to this post and I am happy to help. Have fun with your dreams - turn them into intentions, communicate them to your universe, and build supporting action plans and accountability mechanisms. Watch your dreams come to life through these simple, effective steps.


Question to Ponder: What actions should be in my "Weekly Action Plan" that will lead me to fulfilling on my intentions? How would I best hold myself accountable? Who should help me develop my own accountability model - a friend, coworker, family member, personal coach?

Communicating & Action - Part II in the "Goals and Dreams" Series

We last wrote about turning our intentions into reality through the dreaming and visioning processes. Then committing to those dreams that we really intend on fulfilling. Finally, turning those dreams into actions to allow you to step into what there is to do that ultimately leads to satisfied results.

These are not new topics by any means, and plenty of authors have written about and coached people on how to turn dreams into reality. Our series is a bit of a refresher - a reminder if you will - for those that already know how to do this - yet aren't seeing results... Consider the things you been "trying" to get done, yet aren't for some reason. Bring those into your mind as you read through this section.

Now, assuming that you already have an idea of your intentions - what do you need to communicate? If you have addressed your own commitment level and firmly believe that this is a true intention worth acting upon, then write down the list of those you need to communicate with. This is your "stakeholder" list that we spoke of in our Engaging blog last month. Consider what support you need from each stakeholder. What is in the way with any particular stakeholder that might prevent you from communicating your intentions? Is it a perceived resistance to your intention? Or, do you just need courage to speak out loud what you really want with this person?

Just as there is power in the spoken word, there is power in the written word. Write down your thoughts on what and who you need to communicate to. Simply keeping it in your head will not deliver results. That may be what has stopped you to this point on the intention you have been considering.

As you assemble your communications list, what key actions need to be taken initially to fulfill on your intention? Write those down so you can be clear with your stakeholders what your plans are. You don't have to know everything five years out (though some of you may already as result of your individual personality and style) but know the key next steps you want to take.

Now - begin making phone calls, scheduling time to meet, and planning your communications with your stakeholders. These are the people in your universe who know you, love you, want to know and love you, and will support you in fulfilling on your intention. Don't be afraid to hear what they have to say about your desire - take it in and modify your initial plans as a result. Don't let honest feedback make you lose sight of your intention - use honest feedback as the mechanism to course correct in your planning. Beware the voice in your head that wants to throw it all away based on the negative - turn it around and use that to your advantage.

Communicating your intentions and gaining support from your universe is the second step in realizing your dreams. The third step is Action Planning and includes accountability to yourself and your stakeholders. We'll provide that foundation in Part III. Until then - get out and communicate - discuss, listen and correct - and begin to fulfill on those intentions!


Question to Ponder: Is there an intention that you want to fulfill but haven't? What communications are in the way - or what communications have you received that squashed that intent? How can you restart that effort in a corrective way to fulfill on that intention?

Turning Intentions into Reality: Part I in the "Goals & Dreams" Series

Rosemarie's post on "The Road is in Your Mouth" reminded me of the coaching methodology I put together when I started my business 7 years ago for use in working with clients to effectively set goals. It was based on solidifying intentions, deliberately communicating those intentions to the "universe", and then taking the necessary actions to make them happen.

The idea is similar in that it requires commitment on our part to do what we truly intend to do. These intentions start as ideas, dreams, visions, hopes and become the foundation for our personal, interpersonal or professional goals.

Whether personal, interpersonal, or professional - our goals are supported by those who are key in our universe. By "universe", I mean our key stakeholders or supporters that will journey with us, beside us, or behind us as we take action toward our goals. Our universe might be our spouse, our parents, our children, our co-workers, our friends - or ALL of them. These people hold us accountable to our goals and dreams and, therefore, our commitments.

Here is the first step you can take today to start turning your intentions into reality: identify your true goals that you want to commit to from your list of hopes and dreams. I admit that I am often short-sighted in my own goal-setting and have a hard time imagining some of my own dreams ever making it to reality. One helpful aid can be found in Matthew Kelly's book "The Dream Manager". Kelly speaks about a role in an organization to help people uncover their dreams and then puts plans together to work towards them. Since we don't typically have a resource in that particular role, Kelly has also mentioned having "Dream Sessions" with your family and friends to help uncover those hopes and dreams you have with those who can support you (your "universe").

So dreaming is the start to understanding what intentions you are committed to. Then you communicate the intentions to those key to supporting you in your universe, and take actions to that end. It's simple when stated here - but those very people with whom you deliberately share your intentions are the very ones to help support you and keep you going.

Our next blog in this series will focus on the next step to realizing your intentions, goals, hopes and dreams -- action-planning.

Question to Ponder: What hopes and dreams are you committed to making real intentions and goals? Who is on your key list of people in your universe that will support you? What obstacles are in the way that you also need to communicate so you can get support when they come up?

The Road is in Your Mouth

A friend just quoted her mother this morning, "The Road is in Your Mouth". I asked her what she meant. She said her mother often told her as a child that if she wants something, if she has a dream, she needs to talk about it. As long as she kept her hopes and dreams a secret, no one could help her make them happen.

In other words, the road to your dreams begins with your voice.

It made me think about a workshop I used to conduct on goal setting and achievement. We encouraged workshop participants to give voice to their goals. The act of declaring a goal makes it more real to the individual. And the conversation that follows helps to refine and clarify the goal and the path to get there. Even better, people love to be able to help others. When someone talks about goals, other people become on the lookout for ways to help themselves or for other people who can help.

The road is in your mouth. Try it and see what happens!

Question to Ponder: What goal, hope or dream is on your mind? What would happen if you mentioned it to someone? Or to many "someones"?

Leading at the Next Level

"If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a true leader" John Quincy Adams

In order to start with small things, we need to lead people to bigger things. As John Quincy Adams, the 6th President of the United States, puts it - if we encourage others to dream, learn, do or become more - then we are truly exhibiting leadership.

But how do we do this? In order to change the face of how we lead - we must begin to lead at the next level. For instance, if you are an employee,think and behave like a supervisor. Understanding what and how you do your work at a supervisor level, helps you become a better employee. If you are a Manager, think of what a Sr. Manager or Director would do to lead and inspire? Then take on those behaviors.

Not only does this support you and your organization, it helps you dream - dream of how things can be different. How you can impact your life and your organization. How your work affects those around you. How you can change the face of your every day.

For example, if you are working in Operations as a Supervisor, you know the job, you help support the other people working in Operations, but if you behaved like your Manager, what different behaviors would you need? You might need to look at the larger requirements of the business and discover changes that support broader objectives. You might see efficiencies in the people or the process that your supervisory role might obstruct. You could inspire not only yourself but those around you and truly affect change.

Of course, leading at the next level does not relieve you of current roles and responsibilities - it is a matter of behavior and attitude. Give it a try, and see what changes or improvements you affect with this next lens.

Question to Ponder: Where in your life can you be leading at the next level? What changes might you affect by seeing things through an improved leadership lens?

Small Actions have Large Consequences

“We need to prepare ourselves for the possibility that sometimes big changes follow from small events and that, sometimes, these changes can happen very quickly.” Malcolm Gladwell

The theme of our blog is “Changing the Face . . .” of anything we are a part of by being a leader with the courage to act on what needs to be done. In practicing this, myself, I keep looking for a big role to play in making a difference.

However, I hear from my pastor that it is the small things that we do, each day, that make a difference. Often it is simply the way that we do things that make the difference . . . like taking the time for a smile or a kind word, resisting the temptation to curse a fellow driver who has made a mistake, loving a friend who has been unkind or unreasonable rather than reacting in kind, being gentle with a colleague or subordinate who has made a mistake. The examples are myriad.

So, from a spiritual perspective, I need to focus on the small things. Okay, I get that.

Now, I read in my graduate studies that “small causes have big effects”, that revolutionary change often begins with a small start. My mathematical mind is intrigued with the concept of geometric progression in phenomena that spread like viruses – they keep doubling, a rate of growth that is massively larger with each iteration.

My mind is reeling with possibility:
• Uncle Cliff tells me to be careful what I say because it influences others in ways that I may never realize (see previous blog posts in the "Uncle Cliff series")
• My pastor tells me that I will make a difference in the small things that I do
• Experts in change theory advise me to prepare for small actions to have great consequence

For me, this is a powerful message. Each of us can make the world a better place … by being very clear about the kind of world we want for our children and ensuring that our actions can be the first step toward the revolutionary change we need!

Question to Ponder: As you progress through your normal day, examine your actions. Are you floating through your day, acting on habit or routine? Or, are you acting deliberately, ensuring that what you do has positive consequences that might be the first step to revolutionary change?

Living Life Backward

I recently heard a leadership style described as “Living Life Backward”. This is such an intriguing idea that I had to learn more about it!

Living Life Backward is the idea of focusing on a goal, on a vision of a desired future state, with such dedication that that future pulls you forward. That vision of the future dictates the next step we will take, as well as the ones after it.

I like this concept of living my life backward. It gives me much more confidence in the small steps I am taking today because I know that even though the action may seem small, insignificant or even unusual taken by itself, I know that, in the context of where I am going, it makes eminent sense!

In fact, living my life backward gives me a great sense of hope…and of conviction that what I am doing is right. It helps me prioritize the many tasks that I face each day and liberates me to move to the bottom of my to-do list those tasks that don’t bring me closer to my goal.

Question to Ponder: What would change if you saw yourself as living your life “backward”? Do you have a clear vision to which you are passionately committed?

To be Happy like Mom and Dad

Last week, I had lunch with a new friend who boasted about the 23 grand and great-grandchildren that he had. He is an active, vibrant man who runs a healthy small business and has had an impressive corporate career. I was surprised that he was old enough to have great grandchildren.

“Well, my kids all got married by the time they were 20”, he told me. “In fact, when the youngest one decided to get married at 19, I had to ask these kids why all five of them had been in such a rush to get married.”

Fascinated, I asked him what the reason was. “They wanted to be happy, like their mother and me,” he said simply.

Can you imagine any higher compliment as a parent? To have lived a life that demonstrated a love so strong, a happiness so genuine, that your children want the very same thing in their lives? To have made your children feel so loved that they want to continue that love in their own family as soon as possible?

I looked into the eyes of this jolly man and asked him how he had done it. So humble, he responded, “I married a woman who is a wonderful mother and an excellent companion.” After fifty years of marriage, he chose to see the good and the beauty in his wife. I suspect she felt the same about him and that that is how they both felt about their children. And, thus, love and happiness grew.

Ah, if Robert and I can live the kind of love, respect and appreciation that will make our children say, “I want to be as happy as you”. That will be a life well lived!

Question to Ponder: How do you demonstrate your love and happiness? How happy would the children in your life say they thought you were? How can you be a better example of love and happiness?

Be Careful What You Say - Part 2 in the Uncle Cliff Series

Snippets of my dinner with Uncle Cliff keep coming back to me. I imagine this is what it is like to spend time with a sage. What a great goal – to learn so much from whatever life sends your way that you reach a point in your life when younger adults consider you a sage, wise enough to make them think about your words days and weeks after you say them!

Anyway... I can’t even remember what we were talking about. But, Uncle Cliff looked me in the eye and he said, “We have to be very careful about what we say and what we do. People hear what we say and it affects them in ways that we don’t even know.”

This is so true! How many times have my children justified something they did or said based on something they heard from me? Something I may have said flippantly or in the heat of emotion, without really thinking? Or how often have I said a thing, only to realize that someone could have taken it differently than I intended and have been hurt by it? Yes, I thought, my uncle is very right. My words affect other people and I must be careful what I say.

But, then he went on. “We have to be careful of what we say even when no one can hear us.” Now, that was something! “I remember”, he continued, “I used to let myself get frustrated when I was alone and I’d say things that were not nice. I even let a cuss word or two fly out!” He grinned sheepishly at me. Both of us knew I couldn’t remember a time that he’d ever said a foul word.

“And then I realized how damaging those thoughts and those words were to me. They made me ugly in ways I didn’t even imagine.” And that was all he had to say on the subject. But, wow – did they make an impression on me!

He is absolutely right. No one can hear that negative talk in my head or the words I mutter when I am alone. But they do bring me down. They have the power to change my positive attitude. And, when that happens, they change the way I treat other people. I believe they also play a part in helping advance toward my goals – or slowing my advance.

Question to Ponder: What thoughts or words that no one else can hear are holding you back? How can you control your negative thoughts and words?

Why Be Engaging? Or Engage?

Engage, engagement, engaging - these words can mean different things given the experiences we have in life. In my consulting experience, engagement is absolutely critical for teams and organizations to keep people involved and part of a business process. To be engaged in the personal sense means to have a plan agreed to and committed with another person. Two people get engaged to be married, or two people are engaged in a process of discovery when they are dating, or engaged in a 2-person kayaking experience. On the behavioral side, to be engaging means to have the attention of others in such a way that they are interested in and value what you are sharing.

All too often however, particularly in business, we skip this engagement step and do things somewhat unilaterally. But, as we all have experienced, going-it-alone is often a painful process, filled with suffering and loneliness at times. Imagine a business owner making decisions without engaging their customers. Or, a CEO making critical decisions without engaging with the executive leadership team for their input and buy-in to the process. This is where we see pain and suffering in the lives of employees. I recently read (again) that the number of dissatisfied employees is at an all-time high. Employees feel outside of the weave of their organizations, just doing a job without feeling part of something. They haven't been engaged or even considered for the part they play in the organization.

How do we become engaging? Is it a series of delivery conversations where you just want to tell people what's going on? Yes and no. The delivery part helps people understand the basis of why you are engaging them, but the engagement comes from the request for input. Think about times when you were just given information and not offered an invitation to respond in any way whether it be through the "suggestion box" or an open discussion with your manager or supervisor. It feels a bit empty to people, especially when they are part of an organization.

However, being an engaged participant takes something on our part as well. It requires one to not only accept the invitation to be engaged, but also to be generous with feedback and accountable to the final result. This engagement calls us all to the next level of leadership and professional development. By accepting this responsibility and being engaged, we answer the call to become part of a bigger picture in a positive way. Let's not lose sight of the significance of this type of opportunity.

As I move ahead in 2010, I see parts of my life that need more engagement. For example, I often feel I need to engage more with my teenager to keep her part of the family process. Now, her feeling a need to be engaged with me is a whole other topic indeed. But that doesn't mean that I shouldn't reach out and include her in my part of the process. For business, I know that networking and engaging other potential customers is critical to providing the right product at the right time.

Engagement is an invitation, being engaging is being open to feedback and input, to engage is to actively seek the input and commitment of others. When we become engaged we need to be generous and accountable to the invitation and ultimately the final plan or result. Let's all look more at engaging in 2010 and be part of a picture larger than ourselves.

Questions to Ponder: Where have you been lacking engagement in your business or personal life? What has the cost been to you in any pain or suffering? Where do you need some input and buy-in in your life and how could you develop an Engagement Plan?

The Hollows in our Lives - Part 1 in the Uncle Cliff Series

My Uncle Cliff demonstrates the quality of Neoteny better than anyone I know. (Neoteny was the subject of an earlier blog; it is the trait of retaining youthful characteristics, of looking forward with anticipation rather than longing for the past.)

Uncle Cliff is 82 years old; he takes walks, rides bicycles, repairs bicycles, runs a food bank out of his garage and distributes food to people who need it. He goes to church on Sundays and a prayer service on Wednesdays and performs by singing (acappella or accompanied by a pianist) whenever churches and groups invite him to. Whenever he comes to my home, he actively reaches out to each person there, whether he knows them or not, and learns everything he can about them. And he remembers them, asking about them whenever he sees me in the future.

Last night, I had dinner with Uncle Cliff. We talked about the work I am doing with people who are between jobs and those who are making the transition from employee to consultant. We talked about Neoteny. We even talked about this blog (although he doesn’t have a computer and the concept of a blog is a bit of a reach for him!)

He told me, “I like the attitude you have. How do you embrace Neoteny?” I had to admit to him that I do not always avoid longing for the past.

For nearly a year after our youngest daughter left for college, I couldn’t get used to the empty house. After 30 years of having children, and their friends, filling the house, I had trouble adjusting to the empty nest. Many times, I found myself longing for days gone by. I can’t tell you how many times I said, only partly in jest, “When I was young and dreamed about the family I would have, I envisioned babies and children – not college kids!”

In talking with my uncle, I came to realize that it was my Thriving Between Jobs group that took my focus off my feelings of loss and onto those who were hurting and needed my help.

As I spoke, my uncle nodded his head with love and understanding. Then he smiled wisely and told me, “We all have our hollows in life. We just need to get past them.”

“Hollows.” What an interesting thought. Setbacks. Imperfections. Lapses. These are all but “hollows”. They don’t need to be permanent states and they don’t define us or our futures.

I love this concept! How often have I been shattered by something that, had I realized it at the time, was just a hollow, something to feel then get beyond?

With tears in his eyes, Uncle Cliff went on to tell me how much he misses his big sister and big brother, my father … how much he misses his parents. And he sometimes looks back fondly on the good times he had with them; he longs for those times. But then, he reminds himself that those times are in the past; they have served their purpose. And he has important things he still needs to accomplish; so, he can’t afford to spend much time on these hollows of his.

Before I close, I must share with you the secrets of Uncle Cliff’s Neoteny. Each and every day, he makes sure he consumes at least one teaspoon of cayenne pepper, a tablespoon "or so" of extra virgin olive oil, the juice of one full lemon, and four fruit. He eats very little meat. He strives to meet at least one new person each day. He also greets every person he encounters whom he has met before, although he gets frustrated that he doesn’t always remember everyone’s names.

He also prays quite a bit. We prayed together three times last night. And the consistent theme among all of Uncle Cliff’s prayers is his thankfulness to God – his Attitude of Gratitude.

As a result, he claims he has no pain. Now his wife, my Aunt Helen, says he does have pain – he just doesn’t complain about it. Uncle Cliff shrugs his shoulders, grins and responds, “I just don’t think about it. Thinking about pain doesn’t serve any purpose and it does make the pain worse!”

I love my Uncle Cliff!

Questions to Ponder: What are the “hollows” in your life? How much power do you give them in your daily life? How much happier would you be if you could get past them? What steps can you take today, right now, to get beyond them? Who needs you to get beyond your hollows and get focused on your future, helping them?

“Neoteny Now!”

One of my favorite sayings is from Mary Anne Evans (a Victorian era English novelist who used the pseudonym George Eliot): "It is never too late to be the person you could have been".

So, when I came across the concept of Neoteny in my master’s studies, it is no surprise that I was very intrigued! Neoteny is a zoological term that describes animals that retain youthful qualities. It is now being applied to the study of leadership.

In this context, Neoteny is emerging as a key element of success. Applied to effective leadership, Neoteny is the retention of all those wonderful qualities that we associate with youth: curiosity, playfulness, eagerness, fearlessness, warmth, energy. It is "innocence in action", an attribute Walt Disney used to describe himself; the capacity for what he called “uncontaminated wonder”.

In practice, Neoteny means being willing to take risks, remaining hungry for new knowledge and experience, being eager to see what each new day will bring. As we get older, those who possess Neoteny will be able to look forward to the wonderful things to come in the future, rather than longing for things of the past . . . no matter how few years may lie ahead compared to what has passed.

Janet and I are writing this Blog to inspire leadership in every individual, no matter what role(s) we play in life right now. It seems to me that Neoteny is an attribute that each of us would be well advised to embrace and perfect. I believe that the quality of Neoteny will keep us happy as we progress in life . . . and will make us much more effective contributors -- leaders -- in the world around us.

So, as we begin a new year, my wish for you is that 2010 will be a year of continuous discovery for you, of being open to taking new risks and seeing what each day will bring for you!

Happy New Year!

Questions to Ponder: Do you find yourself looking forward to the future or longing for the past? If the latter, what can you do to change your outlook, to develop Neoteny? In what ways can you adopt a capacity for “uncontaminated wonder” in your daily life and abandon cynicism and negativity?