Forgiveness: a Leadership Trait

For too many years to count, I have been struggling with a wrong that was done me long, long ago. Every day, I try to find peace and forgive my offenders. For long stretches, I will think that I have at last forgiven them and then poof! Out of nowhere, that old hurt and pain will return and I realize that I haven’t really forgiven them. Oh, I do believe I’ve made progress over the years: I’m sure there was a time when I was angry, bitter, and resentful. But that, too, was long ago. Now, all I feel is the hurt and sorrow.

So, when a talk I attended last week began to center on the concept of forgiveness, my ears perked up. The speaker gave a long and eloquent definition of forgiveness. And what resonated with me was the concept that forgiveness is a process, not an event. In fact, the speaker laughed with us as he admitted that he was certain he had forgiven someone or something only to feel a pang of bitterness or resentment flare up at a most unexpected time. At those moments, he would think, “I thought I had already dealt with that; I guess I haven’t and I need to deal with it, again.”

The bottom line, though – despite these occasional pangs – was that he was in the process of forgiveness, which may last the rest of his life. The act of wanting to forgive, then trying to forgive, is all that it takes to launch this important process.

This was so liberating to me. To think that I was actually forgiving them! This discovery was so profound that I didn’t feel the hurt and pain anymore. For the first time in a terribly long time, I actually felt close to my offenders … I felt feelings of love for them.

I was so excited that I had to share my experience with a close friend, whose response was, “That’s all well and good, but what do you do when your offender hasn’t apologized?” This took me back for a second. My offenders had died before I even knew I needed to forgive them. They could not apologize.

And then it hit me. We have to be leaders in the forgiveness game just like everything else. If everyone waited for someone else to start the process, we might never reach forgiveness!

Each day, in every aspect of our lives, people hurt us, anger us, insult us, antagonize us, enrage us. Sometimes they do it intentionally. More often, they do it out of carelessness, thoughtlessness, or, sometimes, incompetence. It is natural and understanding to react with a measure of emotion – a sharp word, a retaliatory act, an argument, even a fight.

I wonder, though, how much more effective we would be as individuals … how we could “change the face of “ our daily interactions and our personal world, if we started the process of forgiveness before an offense actually occurred, forgiving them as the offense occurred and responding from a place of love and understanding, rather than hurt and anger.

This would be true leadership.

Questions to ponder: For which offenses have we begun the process of forgiveness without realizing it? For which offenses do we need to start the process of forgiveness? And for which of our own offenses do we suspect others have begun the process of forgiveness and might need our apology?