Sagging Shoulders

"If your shoulders are saggin,
it won’t be long before the shoulders of
everyone on your team will be sagging."
Bill Hybels

Sometimes we underestimate the power we have to influence other people. A negative comment here, an unreturned "hello" there ... what difference does it make? It is just a small little thing from little old me.


The truth is that we have tremendous power to influence other people, to make (or break) someone else's day with a small gesture. The person we affect may be a family member, a friend, a co-worker ... or a stranger.


Yesterday morning in a speech to the troops in Korea, President Obama said that most of us will never know the impact we have had on other's lives. This is certainly true for our military; but it is also true for us.


So, let's take a small step in our leadership journey by keeping our shoulders squared, a smile on our face, and a twinkle in our eye. Who knows, this little effort may even make ourselves feel a little better while we do some good for someone else?!


[BTW, the quote at the top is from Bill Hybels' new book, "Holy Discontent". He talks about what has inspired ordinary people to do great things and calls them "Popeye Moments" -- those moments when something happening outside ourself hits us so hard that we realize, as Popeye did, that "That's all I can stand, and I can't stands no more!" More on this topic in a future blog.]


Questions to ponder: Who in our day has made us feel good or feel uncomfortable? Was it something subtle that caused our emotional boost or drain? How do we do the same thing to others without even thinking about it?

Authenticity in Leadership

Last week, a single friend who is using online dating services to find new friends told me that she changed her profile picture to one in which she was not wearing glasses and that she was now getting much more interest.

Then, on Tuesday during our Thriving Between Jobs gathering, our group talked about job hunting “strategies” that are being promoted by speakers and coaches at various events they are attending. These “strategies” include concealing aspects of the job seeker’s personal attributes that will be unattractive to a hiring manager for as long as possible -- attributes such as having young children at home or being over 40 years old.

These stories made me sad. Sure, the strategies above work. My dating friend has even met a man who did the same thing – and now they both happily wear their glasses with each other. But I wonder what a price we are all paying by expecting people to deny who they really are in order to be successful.

People who have young children at home are raising our future – the next generation. Their families give meaning and texture to the work that we do. Stories from their families enrich the workplace. And connections made from their children’s friends’ parents add to the network of people who make our employees and companies successful.

People who are over 40 years of age have rich life experience that broaden their perspectives and give them wisdom that benefits the workplace. Skills and talents have been developed and perfected over time. They have seen challenges and even crises in the past that enable them to exhibit composure and stable thinking in the midst of difficulty. They are the leaders, the teachers, and the mentors in the workplace.

People who wear glasses or leg braces or diabetic monitors or any other device that enable them to function more comfortably are no less worthy or attractive. Deciding someone is not a good match for these reasons cheats both people from the opportunity to make what could be a solid and beautiful relationship. And hiding these attributes forces people to begin a relationship in a disingenuous manner.

Which all makes me think about the courage it takes to be true to who we are, to simply be ourselves, to be authentic. It seems worth it to me -- we will be much more accepting of others if we first accept ourselves as we are. And, we can be more creative and innovative when we are no longer guarding what others know of us.

An authentic person is a leader who brings all of her/himself to every situation she confronts. She has access to all of her experience, both positive and negative, to equip her/him to deal with daily situations. S/he welcomes the diversity of the people around her/him and leverages that diversity to create new realities.

Questions to ponder: What traits do I have that I hide from others? How might I be freer if I accepted these traits and became more authentic? Are there traits in others that I judge harshly? How can I begin to see others for who they are, independent of superficial traits?

Forgiveness: a Leadership Trait

For too many years to count, I have been struggling with a wrong that was done me long, long ago. Every day, I try to find peace and forgive my offenders. For long stretches, I will think that I have at last forgiven them and then poof! Out of nowhere, that old hurt and pain will return and I realize that I haven’t really forgiven them. Oh, I do believe I’ve made progress over the years: I’m sure there was a time when I was angry, bitter, and resentful. But that, too, was long ago. Now, all I feel is the hurt and sorrow.

So, when a talk I attended last week began to center on the concept of forgiveness, my ears perked up. The speaker gave a long and eloquent definition of forgiveness. And what resonated with me was the concept that forgiveness is a process, not an event. In fact, the speaker laughed with us as he admitted that he was certain he had forgiven someone or something only to feel a pang of bitterness or resentment flare up at a most unexpected time. At those moments, he would think, “I thought I had already dealt with that; I guess I haven’t and I need to deal with it, again.”

The bottom line, though – despite these occasional pangs – was that he was in the process of forgiveness, which may last the rest of his life. The act of wanting to forgive, then trying to forgive, is all that it takes to launch this important process.

This was so liberating to me. To think that I was actually forgiving them! This discovery was so profound that I didn’t feel the hurt and pain anymore. For the first time in a terribly long time, I actually felt close to my offenders … I felt feelings of love for them.

I was so excited that I had to share my experience with a close friend, whose response was, “That’s all well and good, but what do you do when your offender hasn’t apologized?” This took me back for a second. My offenders had died before I even knew I needed to forgive them. They could not apologize.

And then it hit me. We have to be leaders in the forgiveness game just like everything else. If everyone waited for someone else to start the process, we might never reach forgiveness!

Each day, in every aspect of our lives, people hurt us, anger us, insult us, antagonize us, enrage us. Sometimes they do it intentionally. More often, they do it out of carelessness, thoughtlessness, or, sometimes, incompetence. It is natural and understanding to react with a measure of emotion – a sharp word, a retaliatory act, an argument, even a fight.

I wonder, though, how much more effective we would be as individuals … how we could “change the face of “ our daily interactions and our personal world, if we started the process of forgiveness before an offense actually occurred, forgiving them as the offense occurred and responding from a place of love and understanding, rather than hurt and anger.

This would be true leadership.

Questions to ponder: For which offenses have we begun the process of forgiveness without realizing it? For which offenses do we need to start the process of forgiveness? And for which of our own offenses do we suspect others have begun the process of forgiveness and might need our apology?